None in May

Except for new faces on Facebook and few people I’ve met for real, this month is nothing special. My word is my bond, and so I intend to keep my promise about what I said the last post. There will be no purr or whine from then on. I’ll try to stay positive and keep that upbeat mood despite nothingness.

A day more to go, and it opens another chapter of unpredictable reality–who knows what tomorrow brings–it won’t matter whether it is from somebody’s upshot or a destiny’s outcome or from my own decision–I need to get going from this emptiness–and so the month itself.

I’m not saying this is an unusual month to indulge especially to an active person like me. Life is an endless cycle–I know. This is in fact expected but not predicted. It just happened in the month of May. It could happen anytime of the year.

“No, it’s not a failure!” my heart and soul keep are in constant hark back. This is just an open arena to learn and relearn what life is like–it’s never a fiasco. And I should value every lesson brought into being from this days and days of barrenness.

There is nothing to feel sorry about because I am not in control of the world including all the little things therein. When it happens, it happens.

No regret whatsoever for life is full of next time to anticipate. That is why there is evening and so morning–life is an endless motion–and only foolish people find it static. There’s always hope to count.

Few hours from now, I can’t wait to spring in my step. No, no, not in a manner of one stride forward, two strides back, but like a persistent climber–just one step at a time. I’ll be fine.

Soon my countdown ends from this seemingly lasting suffering–when and where no beautiful story to put into words–only marks of sadness and brokenness–not even a hint of an angel to see. Cést la vie.

Perhaps I’ll find somewhere else the unstinting existence I deserve. And for this book’s sake, I need to go on to find a myriad of benign angels to live with and learn good things from. I am not making a conclusion that there’s none here, it’s not just here this time.

No journey with angels??? None in May–not the past thirty-one days–but it’s so OK.

Gripping Grace

On the face of it–right here in mint condition of mine–when a day’s endurance really matters like it has never been fervently prayed for. I failed every second to understand these trials I am in. I stumbled into it time and again–when my situation left me in the lurch.

So sick of people who pretend they’re friends but it’s the irony sad to know–full of hypocrisy and double standards. And so I asked for more grace each moment in order to get through another twenty-four hour of agony.

I’m not stupid not to figure out hidden intentions. Needless to say, I don’t have to read lips to catch sight of those obvious shrugs, motions, and gestures because action speaks louder than words unfortunately. Hold on to that pretense and I will do all I can to prove your insincerity.  

  

My apology, but this will be my last lament to mind. I will not express my whining ever again in the near future. By this time next week, I will have moved on already talking about wonderful things–where journey with angels continue.     

Frankly, I don’t have any plans not to expose my status these past five months–for many chances I did for sure. I have been in the grip of the worst recession of my life–but not defeated. And so I am dreadfully gripping God’s grace like I had never done it this way.

Hope change will take place anytime soon–casting out false hopes, driving them away where they belong. I don’t want to hear them anymore. I need no clanging cymbals.

Wish there will be a hint of assurance to see–then it’s an answered prayer to name. If it will happen, I will double everything–from being hard worker to being kind.

Pray that my situation will get better–that’s all I ask for now. I am so tired of this moribund career and motionless stage I have been engaging the past twenty weeks. Don’t I deserve life?

Twenty-four seven in this appalling circumstance is not a good sign. It’s time to reflect more and pray my hardest. I know I’m not the only one in this kind of experience, and so I will pray for them too.

For the time being, I will continue to grip God’s grace dreadfully until that day will come–hope not until the cows come home though. And that in this period of waiting and a seemingly endless battle against unpleasant things, I will find joy, peace, and answer eventually to what I have been looking for. May His grace will continue to find me.

Nostalgia

One of the favorite stories about kindhearted people that I love to tell and retold over and over and over perhaps was written in an unpublished book–“At the Feet of Generous Ones”–a seemingly inexhaustible narrative of miracles, grace, and life-examples. I wrote the book myself as an expression of my deepest gratitude and a way to cherish each experience eternally. 

This post is just a tiny extension of my gratefulness–another nostalgic moment–when merit after merit never ceases–certainly it’s not a dejavu. I’m reminded once more. And for a hundred times, I will articulate it again this time…“If not for those goodhearted individuals, I don’t think would be able to tell apart kindness from not.”

We took our friends on a sightseeing tour of the famous night market last Wednesday. There were few interesting things to give notice to, but my attention was captured by those young Khmer boys who ate people’s left over, which they desperately grabbed from stall to stall. I didn’t care how others deemed, but it really broke my heart. If I didn’t journey with angels my younger years, my perspective about this situation would be cruelly different.

Wished I had money that time to buy them food to eat, but I didn’t have any. It’s not the end of time yet, I’m going to see those kids again, I know. I already had a plan in mind though–a simple treat of kindness would be great. I want them to see and feel goodness like I experienced myself from caring people.

Although I’ve written few books and lots of stories regarding kindness, it doesn’t mean I am a kind person as well. It takes genuine action and a real-life-involvement to explain its essence or grasp the word itself. I still have difficulty defining.

“Being kind is a cultural thing!” this is what some people say. Because it is not everybody’s way of life or someone is used to seeing and doing. But isn’t it hospitality knows no bound? And so being a giver.

For me it is but a willingness to share without hesitation. That’s what I had learned at the feet of generous ones. To be compassionate or not is determined by how much one is eager enough to touch lives–it is not an alternative–it is a choice.

I fail to see why so many human beings are so greedy even if they have enough. After countless evidences and extraordinary examples of bighearted persons, I still see a lot of people don’t get the drift.

More than just this feeling of nostalgia–pondering my past journey–this is what I have been looking forward to this year–jotting down every wonderful journey with angels. It is not because I want to be the recipient of their virtuous gestures, but simply to learn from them and be amazed.

For me, there is no such thing as Kindness 101 for there’s no single quiz or test or essay or practicum to be able to measure its worth–it’s a lifestyle or a choice to make. One must experience it firsthand to understand what’s behind this gesture. 

Reflection–Waste of Time

You can rebuke or admonish or haul me over the coals if you want to, but I’m not going to suppress my letdown about life lately–not in this quiet weblog of mine. Think I’m not just courageous enough to tell people my frustration directly for some reasons. Then have this cowardice subdue me for now–to start it here this way as I keep my end up or hold my tongue forever.

“Why am I here? And what am I doing this for?” my annoyed, restless spirit asks every second of the day. It’s not that I don’t have the answer, but part of this perhaps is the feeling that my experience at the moment bruises my ego. In all honesty, this isn’t how I actually define service or what I expect to be doing this year. And so it hurts my pride so badly.

Seeing myself in the same unwanted routine all these months gets under my skin. I just wish friends are discerning enough to perceive it and not taking so much advantage of me insensitively. It doesn’t take a genius in fact to get the whole picture here, but some people are just thick-skinned or numb.

If I had to force myself believing that it’s a service, then it’s totally insane. I am not ready to buy this opinion at this time point. I apologize for this sarcasm but I bottled my thoughts up too much enough. I don’t want to pretend more that it is juts OK. It’s not and I am not pleased anymore.

So sorry to say, it is but a waste of time for me to be stuck here washing dishes all day long and putting back together somebody’s mess keeping the kitchen tidy. I could have been doing lots of vital things already and so it frustrates me every time I stand before the sink. I didn’t come in here for this. I am here for something else worth the work.   

It’s a waste of time because this is not what I expected to happen in my utmost desire to journey with angels–this is but the other extreme disaster.

It’s a waste of time because some people don’t even see it as my gesture of helping out–they use me to gratify their self-interest. And I hate it so much. It could have been their own task, but they assume it’s mine. I am blown away by their overwhelming incomprehension.

It’s my choice of course. I could have gone out here if I wanted to, but I feel so obligated–when my situation feels like twisting my arm. That’s why I am not so happy with it because serving is not an obligation. It’s a joy.

“Do I really deserve doing this stuff? Why am I in this undesired journey?” These are few of the remaining questions I am going to reflect for the rest of this temporary state of affairs. I pray these queries will lead me to unearth golden lessons as a result which I haven’t discovered yet in my attempt delineating the humble definition of servanthood.

Let me end this moan with a prayer:

Dear Lord,

Please do change my heart and help me look at my situation worth the while still. All I can see is a waste of time. I need your wisdom to grasp things positively. Show me your mercy in this unwanted scenario. Give me strength to overcome this burden. Shower me with your grace to get through. Bless me to be a blessing. Amen.

Slow

Now the fifth month of the year, but it feels like the slowest progress I’ve ever engaged my entire time in this place of abode. You can tell the way I update my blog by the look of things. Although I envisaged endless cons for this year’s theme, it’s just so drowning and draining–because real angels aren’t too thick on the ground. 

There’s no regret without a doubt, not just used to seeing myself in this stagnant stage though–it is weirdly realistic. Life is actually very colorful, and this one seems leaden. Let’s see where it gets me in the end.   

As I have mentioned in one of my past articles, I don’t usually rely on my feeling or mood to write–but from my day-to-day-experience. And so my reason for not being able to slog so often is the absence of inspiring episode that is worth an eye or telling–it’s not fully happening yet these five months.  

I am not giving up of course. If this was a fight, I’m so willing to throw down the gauntlet to prove my willingness and my contender. Perhaps the sluggishness of this year’s lifecycle is a variation. Then let me learn to take it this way. 

Hopefully after this odd picture–this up-to-the-minute crisis of my existence, I will come to understand every purpose it exposes very soon. All I can see today is only one-dimensional side, and who knows later it will turn out to be a beautiful tapestry after all this scrupulous rumination. 

I can hear me saying “slow down” but the other part of me is also saying “I am fed up of this slow-motion phase right now” at the same time. For one big reason, I thought my journey with angels this year won’t be that hard to accomplish–it’s completely the opposite.  

Just realized that it’s not always a noisy travel or a lively trip to take (although there’s footfall to hear the typical way), it is actually being buoyant no matter what in this unpromising year. And it takes grace to learn this lesson–when my brain and emotion are unsettled still. Stay positive is the right attitude to act on.  

The ticking of the clock is fast, but the pace where I am heading is very slackening–it’s like winter all year long. I don’t feel like have accomplished that much this season. It’s boring still in spite of everything.  

“Because angels come necessarily, I think.” I comforted myself. And no matter how bursting I am to go, to meet, and to journey with good hearted people, I am not in control of time or every activity under the sun. Now let my spirit settles down and chills out–it’s my prayer. 

And from this unwanted scenario, hope I am beginning to let the movement of time freely, slow down for as long as it desires. It is out of my hand.  

       

Some People

“Always value the people that come your way because you’ll never know.” I was told in a shallow manner–maybe to figure out myself the secret behind this nugget of wisdom. After all it will take a while to realize about every truth there is or its contrariety or the triviality itself in the worst sense. It really is your call to believe it or not. 

I am sick of so many people nowadays. Perhaps that’s how they feel towards me too. And so this clichéd counsel cannot justify the case. I don’t think would regard individuals who are hypocrites, insensitive, envious, and overly sarcastic. These are just a few examples I’ve got in my mind.  

My Australian neighbor is one perfect example to this. Their sarcasm and insincerity is overwhelming. They profess themselves as Christians and philanthropists, but I find them full of mystery to grasp. Their kids are so annoying to bear and so irritably noisy, but I can stand them still–but not their weirdness and phoniness. 

Needless to say, deep in my heart I know would cause them no harm or revenge–it’s not my upbringing to even the score. They are no worth wasting time–I just think of them like they don’t exist. Obviously they aren’t good examples to follow or footsteps to tread.    

When we thought that people who aren’t attached to us personally are the only ones hacking us off–it is a huge mistake sad to say–for even friends do, too. But I chose to shut my mouth still and endured it. One reason, I always leave the situation for them to discern as matured individuals. I am talking about those who cannot single out abuse from favor or grace.  

It’s not that easy to live with people of different personalities especially with friends who only consider you important because they can use you. I hope God’s grace will extend my patience and kindness or else I will breakout soon. And it worries me when it happens.  

The right response to this advice I think requires meticulous understanding. For how can someone esteem people of evil intention or people with mascaras? It is hard to tell. I thought it was as simple as assumption. You don’t get this life as you pondered it would. 

If I’d rephrase this particular insight to live by, it should be…“Think the world of people that value you as a person.” Sure enough these are the ones that expect nothing in return and care for you with no strings attached. You have to journey with these angels if you had the chance. It’s seldom to find them though.    

“Always value the people that come your way because you’ll never know.”

 

So that’s it, really!? What if he or she turns out a fallen angel with the darkest heart that ever existed? This is just another obvious prediction how selfish and self-seeking really a lot of humans are.