A Friend Indeed

No one can define what a friend is in just one day or even a year. I trust my instincts that neither big word nor complex word will be able to convey its meaning in this very little amount of time or else it is magic. But if someone is able to do so, surprise, surprise, I must seek counsel from that person.

I can’t–not even these past five months–when emptiness struck me without mercy and when lonesomeness burned me up without a friend in the world. “If you want to know who your friends are, wait till you are in your desolation.” Now I remember. It’s true indeed!

This is the perfect time to describe a friend and who isn’t; it is an ideal moment to put myself in the picture as well–sad and yet true–I really couldn’t count on my friends to help me. But I made up my mind to keep going whether friends be false or few.

As always I was very reluctant to open up my needs and cares to my friends. I was right about my feelings for countless times. And whenever I did, I usually made enemies. Not that I waged war or picked an argument, but it was the silence they gave me in response. They just pretended I don’t exist. It happened a lot and so used to this silent war.

So I carried my burdens alone this time than pretend I have good people around. It’s been twenty long weeks, but I was hopeful that each misery has an end. I gripped grace more than others I think. Now I am seeing hints of look-in for the first time in five months. And this deserves a mention in this blog–more than that, a story worth retelling.

Culturally he can’t be my friend since he is far older, more experienced, and widely knowledgeable than I am. That’s how it is in this domicile. But in my heart he is more than all this cultural perspective. True friendship knows no bound–not age or status or race.

Again for the second time, he helped me define friendship through his life-example that none of those I consider friends had done for me in my deepest isolation the past one hundred fifty days. He is the real angel for me.    

I actually featured him once here before. And like those unexpected gestures he had done in the past, he did it once more this time without hesitation. I promise will elaborate his down-to-earth rally round in one of my posts next month.

Since he stepped in to the rescue, I have never been happier these depressing months. The smile on my face along with laughter tells the joy within. I am so deeply indebted to this person for this unexpected answer to my prayer. 

He is an angel and a friend indeed!

False Hopes

Was there a time in your life so gullible about someone’s promise? Only to find out with every fiber of your being you were actually hoping against hope. Then you fell for it the second time and then again and again. I had it. I was this person in reality.

I just don’t know, it’s really my weakness to easily pin my hopes on somebody. But don’t get me wrong though, I am not that stupid or ignorant or naïve or illogical–I’m just trusting especially taking a friend’s word for it.

Maybe you are different and so you don’t waste time listening to this seemingly assuring speech of an angel and yet a big fat lie while I the fallen victim of these false hopes. This is me.

Of course, I want to grow up from this countless failures and let this make-believe world undertake by people go out of the window. Why not? So sick of it!

A lot of people around me are actually good at raising false hopes on someone. They promised me earth as if they owned it. I waited and waited and waited and the next thing I knew, I’ve been waiting forever. The hope had vanished into thin air.

False hopes are absolutely tempting and no need to remind you this. It doesn’t take so much discernment to find that out especially if you are so familiar with the person. The problem is me. “Tell me another one!” Bold people would say. Wish it is easier for me to express bluntly too. 

If you are one of these easy to fool human beings, then it’s time to let go of false hopes you have been hoarding your life for many, many years. I am speaking for myself in the first place. I will journey no more with these pretentious angels.

Now that I have learned my lesson, the next time they come to me and say, ”Oh, I’ll sponsor your trip to the US or I’ll wire you a fund for your humanitarian aid or I’ll invite you to come to Korea, blah, blah, blah,” oh no, thanks!

I’ll just think of them as clanging cymbals. After all I have come to my senses that I had enough of this pointless conversation. It’s also time not to hold out much hope of getting a positive result from all these false hopes. 

Usually the one who promises you the moon is also the one who dashes that hope. Pinch yourself from time to time to make sure you are really awake. Or simply learn this phrase…”Save it!”

 

Backpacking

Given half a chance, this is no longer the exploration I want to do for at least few years. It stands to reason that what I used to see as goings-on are not interesting anymore–they’re but humdrum motions and scenarios. And the irony is that I did it again. Oops!

Imagine yourself doing it for one and a half decades, and you’d be tired by now without a doubt. Or maybe I am wrong because it will depend still upon somebody’s outlook on this matter or lifestyle in traveling. It’s your call.  

I backpacked for six days this time without expecting anything except for a wonderful angel–a miracle–a hope to be able to meet him or her face to face. But none in those suspicious passersby I’ve seen transformation–not even a single creature in disguise. 

There unlike in the olden days, I tried to swim against the tide–got off from the old habits of what usually a backpacker does. I just stayed at the cheap guesthouse to get some rest.

Sad to say destiny wasn’t that cooperative enough to bring one by chance. It wasn’t meant to be yet.

Seldom or never at all would I say had encountered goodhearted backpackers in the past. And if I did, I could have remembered one or two so well. People in this bustling journey are just too occupied minding their own stuff or greediness in the worst case. But I do recall helping a lot of tourists in many ways.

Putting my thoughts into words about backpacking is nothing but a manifestation of my wondering mind. It always makes me curious how is it like meeting an angel or two in this full of life situation. I am excited to find out so soon.

For countless times I have tried to avoid this blasé set-up, but it seems inseparable. One day I just realized was there again–immersed back in this existence–only a tolerant person lasts.  

Do angels really backpack? I wonder!

What I perceive from here about these people who are on the move, not sure if my wish will come true. But it’s alright. “You pays your money and you takes your choice!” This is the path and the theme I’ve chosen this year–let it be.

Freedom

Some people can probably link ten or hundred similar words to this, while I’ve only a thing to utter at the moment–in a shocking candor, not even relevant to the mainstream–solitude. I have been waiting for this moment in months when I don’t have to kowtow or toe the line–just me in this aloneness.  

I am actually extrovert by nature, but it is no life-threatening or a mortal sin to stay away from people every so often. I do think that. For me it is just another means of enjoying the liberty therein especially when you can’t express it in the presence of the multitude. And so I am going to enjoy it like there’s no next time.

Doing those undesirable routines the past four months was no joke at all. The feeling was like an out-and-out anguish. I felt down-and-out loser being in this scenario (I’m sorry, it’s unspoken). Every single hour outside the house was like heaven to me. I don’t mind serving people in fact for as long they can tell apart grace from exploitation. 

Now I am rested.

Anticipating a journey with an angel excites me a lot–a nail-biting kind I’d say, but this one is the irony. Everyone is a creature in disguise–each one has a hidden agenda. And so I am very desperate to grab this freedom–this one week of isolation away from these individuals.

Right here in this solitude of mine gives me more time to reflect life at present. It could have been awfully different being stuck somewhere stressful. It’s not a distant world yet, but the anxiety is far-off me. And it helps.   

In this freedom where less important things such as watching TV and a small bathroom are set great store by like they’ve never been valued ever. Here I pretend as a couch potato for awhile taking advantage of this blessing.  

In this borrowed liberty–a gift of time–when I do not have to worry about my stressors and those annoying chores–I only think about myself selfishly for once in my life–eat, sleep, and be merry.  

Funny though, but I have earnestly prayed and prayed day and night for an opportunity to journey with angels, and yet what had happened was the contrary. Look at the kind of life I have been getting the past months. Let me guess, perhaps to value every bit of freedom there is.

What can I say but thank God for this wonderful moment of freedom called solitude.