No Worth A Journey

“Silence is golden” as the idiom goes. I really wanted to keep it this way as much as possible, but just couldn’t avoid querying friends who deserve to know. I had to speak out my heart even if I knew would end a silent war and would call into question among unsupportive friends. I was right.

It was my discernment–my own peace was at stake–so I had to defy them. C’est la vie! And we all should learn to deal with it. I hope they did. 

So will say the same thing I have told my friends about. And feel free to articulate your own judgment or give me a swipe about it. It’s so fine with me. 

Despite my feeling about working for them was like a cat on a hot tin roof, and yet I didn’t shut the door immediately because I do believe each one deserves respect and many chances. They didn’t appreciate that. 

And I had to relinquish some concerns to be honest.

My pride was one. Although it is very obvious that I am more educated and more experienced than they are, but I didn’t think of it a big deal. I am flexible. The funny thing, they looked at me like I am nobody. “It’s too much then!” I told myself.

The feeling of uneasiness was another thing. I didn’t really like the environment there, but I was actually willing to adjust. I had the same scenario before, and so it would be fine as I thought. But they ruined my change of heart by housing me in a forty-dollar-suffocating room, while they live the comfort. “This is no fair business, come on!” I whined telling my friends. And this is a well-funded institution. 

Salary wise was three in the list. I didn’t demand for a specific amount even if they can afford my call. Plus it’s a Christian school and I believe that the people there have high morals. And so I gave them the initiative to consider worth my price. And they gave me nonsense–surprisingly lower than the salary of a house help. See how cunningly advantageous they are of me!? But still I was willing to work for them regardless of this matter. They just didn’t treat me well enough.    

Be trapped in a false hope. I didn’t want to believe but just want to be supportive. Sad to say I didn’t see any direction. But I was happy to help amidst this chaotic position. Again, if only they showed me some respect or treated me fair enough. 

I let them loose, but I let myself go. It’s a shame that I couldn’t work for or with them–they’re no angels I’m excited journeying with anyway–it is no worth a journey.  

Wrong Pathway

“Seriously!? So been in this state of affairs and I’m not going to put this yoke over my neck and shoulders ever again.” I jogged my memory like every single day. That was prior to a persistent dilemma which tried to get me. And before I knew it, was already tempted and almost gave in. 

I packed my stuff and pretended that everything would be alright. And it didn’t change a thing. My partial decision haunted me for many nights and days. And so I prayed my earnest and hardest for peace and joy in a hope that my feeling would change. Again, it didn’t happen. 

For almost two months, my situation stressed me out. Unhappiness pricked me emotionally even with this tiny response working in another city and yet doing the same thing. And when my sanity came flooding back just few nights ago, I realized how this direction was so not worth striding. 

It wasn’t for me–it’s the wrong pathway.

Enough is enough and I had to end my agony up. I rose from my bed one hour before midnight and sent an email to the people concerned before another sleepless night would disrupt me. I was at peace for the first time in one thousand four hundred-forty hours.

Of course, I’m no illogical. Although I knew it was going to be a crazy ride, and yet gave myself and others a chance (not a false hope though). That’s why I thought carefully about it that long, evaluated the many pros and cons, sought counsel and wisdom from others, and with ardent prayers. Sure enough, I wasn’t the right person they needed but someone else.

Honestly, it would be a lie if I’d say got no sentiments for uttering such final verdict–this ostensibly difficult word NO–I had a lot. And like those charge-to-experience-scenarios in the past, this time is another one to learn and let go. What I am happy about I stood my ground. This soppy smile and upset feeling will all go so soon eventually.

Until now haven’t gotten over with this “if only…” stages yet because even with our last correspondence I was not really treated well or fair enough or with dignity I deserve. And how will they expect me to work for them or with them? It could have changed my unwanted desire to take this same job even if I am sick of it, perhaps.

It’s just the wrong path to take–again it’s not for me. God’s courage and strength have brought me to this conclusion. And I don’t care who is agreeing or disagreeing with me. It’s my life and my calling. I am happy even if I am still jobless. I’ll find the right one soon and will continue to do so. 

No matter how desperate one is for a job, but if he isn’t treated well the way he should be, then he isn’t happy. And it’s not worth riding a trip. It’s like he is treading a path that came to a dead-end or a path along the top of a rugged cliffs where danger awaits. Happiness should be dual.  

Dancing With An Angel

So I dance like the rain on the roof,

Tell my soul that my spirit’s on the loose;

Don’t know if anyone will understand,

Feels like an angel’s got a hold of my hand,

So I dance, I dance, I dance, I dance.

-Lenny LeBlanc, I Dance-

 

And so I danced tonight like I never had in forever.  

In fact, the last time I heard this beautiful song was eleven years ago when life was too harsh to bear during my first few weeks in Saigon. Loneliness and discouragement were in incessant nark. It comforted me. That’s why I am still here.

For a week or so I played the same song. I listened to it until it soothed my soul enough.

Now I am reminded once more after a long while–for a reason–it didn’t matter whether my story this time is different from the past or not. I had to dance. More than just a wave of nostalgia, the melody and the lyrics are in unison still and again to define joy in this disheartening moment of mine.

Then I danced this evening and sing along with an angel like nothing happened, but hours before this was a depressing picture.

One conversation this morning has ruined my entire day, which knocked the stuffing out of me and also left me in desolation. Wish I didn’t open up my heart to a stranger just like that–never again–it was another lesson learned. So shameful for what I had done, but God knows it wasn’t for my own interest. No, it was not.

If only time stood still, I would take my words back like they were never said or written. And if only words were like water guns, they wouldn’t hurt me that bad in a way being described as distrustful. That word stung me and my soul.

My greatest mistake perhaps I was slaphappy enough telling my own stories and cares. I didn’t really think about the outcome. When I thought it would encourage someone and others–it was an out-an-out irony of it all.

And this made me so downcast for twelve hours. 

So I locked myself in the room and dwelt on the situation. I don’t know but it seemed that this non-life-threatening scenario made me sick as I thought about it over and over. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over me and on the horizon. It wasn’t about pride for sure but the haunt of shame and regret.   

Four words to describe my day–shameful, regretful, downcast, but there was dancing in the end. Thank God for using this song to uplift me from the embarrassment and pain. Grateful there are angels in the world who write songs to cheer up the weary.