Small Me, Big Me

No, my head isn’t literally big, but it does at times – that’s when pride or arrogance or ego is at work. People can see that with the way I speak or act. And if this overweening “me” is humble enough to admit such attitude, then nothing is so obscure to notice a conceit.

I’m a small person but not a dwarf, and yet this small “me” can defeat a giant and can win the greatest challenge the world has known – only in a blustery way – an illusion which always happens in the figurative sense – now this big “ME” is on the throne.

That’s how boastfulness demands – to be full of ourselves like those self-confident swaggers. So I must be careful with this character for it always leads to human’s downfall. I was taught to leave room for people to show approval first. I bet it’s so awkward to praise my own self in the presence of many around the table.    

Praise is one-sided if I had to ask my opinion about it. It’s so easy to give other individuals tons of commendations but not to ourselves or else we will be accused haughty and unbearably smug.

“Small me, Big me” is not actually an idiom or a saying which evolves for centuries, but it’s my own slogan to remind me personally of egotism. And that even a small person can become an egomania.

This is the negative side of the slogan itself. 

Got no enlarged heart or cardiomegaly in scientific term, but it gets bigger at times – that’s when compassion or mercy or love is totally at work. And if this unfinished “me” is willing enough to serve, then my Master can possibly do His business in my life.

I may be old, but it doesn’t mean I’ve grown to perfection, powerful – I’m still in progress, and my Creator is still working on me. This small “me” may have a lot of huge plans in the future, but it takes God’s grace to become big “ME” to fulfill all those dreams.

That’s what dependence to the Father requires – a total surrender knowing we can’t do anything apart from Him who enables us to perform great things – from small “me” to big “ME” – driven by the Master’s loving hand.

“Small me, Big me” again is not an existing milieu provided for someone to live or act specifically, but it’s a slogan derived from the Holy Scriptures in examples of heroes of faith I admire. This then will remind me of my deep need for God’s strength. With this, I may fully understand that I am nothing without Him.  

This is the positive angle of the slogan itself.

The borderline between pride and proud is so thin that one must be very careful to examine an intention. But then, as long as you know your stand before the Father – it’s another story to contest – that’s when a slogan “Small Me, Big Me” needs a thorough examination – whether a pride in itself or a confidence in God. 

 

Intention

It’s one of those abstract things in the open – you’ll only see what’s in the surface – one must tell his or her hidden agenda for others to grasp a purpose – then what you see isn’t what you always get.

When I asked a friend such seemingly stupid question, it was out of curiosity since I don’t really know that person or the subject matter too well. But my friend got the wrong impression misjudging my intention – to her it was plain arrogance, for me it was being ingenuous or misinformation.

As long as a person is honest enough to reveal his true intention, then no one else can define it clear as a day. Sad to say, no one can please everyone – people will always find even a speck of fault out of you – to question your purest intention.

Then, we should be careful in what we do making every action without a shred of doubt or else it’s time to see the error of your ways.

“Why did you choose Cambodia of all the counties in Asia?” I asked him, a new friend.

“Because I want to help the poor, I want to do this and that for the country, blah, blah, blah.” He said.

The first few days I believed him, yet something turned out different lately. The more I got to know him every single day, his true color faded away – he’s a wolf in disguise ready to devour a prey.

Do I misjudge him?

No, I don’t think so. He lets me define his intentions through his actions – two irreconcilable things – an action and an intention which is very oxymoron. I am no longer a fan of this pretension – a feigned philanthropy and yet very miscreant. It chills me to the bone.

“I don’t get it why a lot of foreigners are destroying my reputation when my intention is to help.” He whined so many times.

“You brought it to yourself!”  I said in silence.

Wish I’m blunt enough, but no matter how he’s being reminded like countless times – he does his own things – he is such a trouble maker. He keeps doing this volunteering stuff with his hidden but cruel intention – to satisfy his lustful desire, a Casanova.

Does he deserve more tolerance or a wide margin of error?

No! In fact, we used to have big plans together – an ambitious business in the future – not anymore. This will be another unbearable ride to endure or another dubious intention to predict.

Our connection must end here, but I will leave for others to read his intention. To the ones I know and care about – almost his victims – I‘ll do my best to protect them.

Whatever intention we may have – whether the cruelest or the purest of all – no one who can define it but us alone.

SUCH TEACHERS

Teaching is a gift, but even then truth hurts – for it doesn’t stop here – one must also work hard to embrace this vocation – this is what I personally thought. And so I exerted to the fullest in respect to those who are in this profession.

Another hurting reality, which left me in endless disbelief, is seeing fake teachers flourish, earning a lot more than those deserving ones. That’s when qualification or experience doesn’t matter anymore – not even the passion or inclination – thanks to these great pretenders of professing teachers.

A good friend of mine posted a message on Facebook wall sometime this month – to give updates on Filipino teachers being retrenched and not hired as ESL teachers in countries where English is a foreign language.

Am I sad?

YES and NO!

My heart is with those who are highly qualified and experienced educators. More than this possessed gift or knack, I truly understand your passion deserving a spot. This makes me really sad– kicking out a certified/licensed/eligible/experienced teacher over an inexperienced native speaker – shame on them. It’s not our loss anyway.

No, and so intolerant to Filipinos who claim to be ESL teachers; who think teaching English is the easiest way to earn money; who don’t have a deep understanding about this line of work. Sorry for being too harsh but leniency doesn’t make any better.  

Don’t get me bad because I actually understand that we all need to earn a living, but that is not the way things are in ESL world. We must consider those who are in this path for many years – we just cannot come and leave wrong impressions or awful imprints to learners and institutions.  

Again and again, I didn’t become an ESL teacher once I boarded the plane. Although I had it obviously – a God given flair – it took crafting and fashioning and developing my gift in teaching – it even took hesitant years to affirm because I didn’t want to be complacent about it.

When confronted with a challenge, I yielded without wrestling. I knew it will bring good things in time. But I had to set aside my pride apart from my experience teaching in years, and my academic orientation along the lines. I had to take intensive classes in ESL along with those who believe in the name of professionalism. That’s why we are guaranteed to teach English anywhere in Southeast-Asia – we earned it.

Such teachers make mistakes – to learn from that.

We practice our crafts – to do better the next time.

We study our lessons – to familiarize them more than just perfection.

Such teachers develop their gifts – to remain current and relevant.

We work hard – to avoid complacency and stagnancy.

We are teachers and this is the track we chose – not a dilemma – it’s a calling that deserves respect.

While others don’t really care – they’re only for the money or something else.

Learners or parents or institutions don’t care too – they are after the skin – not really a native speaker – it’s simply business.

Isn’t it funny how Asians (whose English is a foreign language) think every native speaker can teach? 

Oh no, not at all! It’s but a shame.

Such teachers – the great pretender or the irony of it all – pick a stand!

A DECADE

 “I killed two birds in one stone.”

Let me begin with this long forgotten idiom – to celebrate two specific achievements in a single action – successes, which I wouldn’t have without those heroes and monsters of faith – they deserve a loud mention.

To have a sneak peek about my past – not much, really – I was just a boy with a typical dream to finish college, and then work – nothing unique. Now, it’s my tenth year of commemoration aside from endless thanksgiving and praise within these years for the blessings.

“He won’t make it to Grad School” she said, one of my monsters of faith. She had been treating me like this in the past – I wasn’t her favorite student, and vice versa. When I topped the comprehensive exam, she didn’t congratulate me but spoke words to break my heart.

She was right! I couldn’t have done it…without His sufficient grace. And looking back at grad days; at that time when I took the greatest challenge I’ve ever known, can’t help but ask my self… how did I really do it? It wasn’t just about hard work or intellectuals, it was about God’s mercy that abounds – that’s when I understood what a gift is.

Thanks to discouragement, it made me tougher.

Thanks to my heroes of faith, they taught me the toughest way besides moving on.

Exactly a decade when I left the training ground – the one and only Alliance Graduate School – this makes me so grateful for being an alumnus – it’s the life itself aside from having an ace up your sleeve or the benefits of burning eyebrows.

It changed me as a person – more than just a learned being – someone who is rooted in the word to minister to the world.

The experience widened my cross-cultural perspective – driven by love, compassion, and servanthood – not by religious affiliation or denomination – it’s my identity with the Master in fact.

My worldview has changed as well – for the better – in understanding insiders deeper; serving without whining; a balance between social action and love (praxis); by putting aside my cultural standards; and a lot more.

I totally agree, it’s just a degree or an added credential or a title or position, but what matters most is life’s application or life in the field experience – we call it “LIFE” during my days at AGS. And behind this exhausting academe displays the faithfulness and the sustaining grace of the Father.

And oh, I graduated with honors – for God to disprove my monsters of faith of their disbeliefs – and for me to amaze the wonders of Him who calls me. 

Now it feels like home in the foreign land.

The same year in 2003, was blessed with TESOL certificate, which gave me opportunities to teach English in Vietnam and Cambodia – my bread and butter; a passage way to reach out young people and adults where English is a foreign language. Above all this, it’s another wonderful experience – a gift beyond what is called expectation.

I have grown so much as an ESL teacher – not just in experience but in character for sure.

I have won countless friends to name – students, teachers, volunteers, and simply learners – TESOL has been opening doors and windows of knowing people in all walks of life.

“I killed two birds in one stone!” It’s true, but that big “I” here isn’t me – He is but my God, who sustains me all these years. My role is only to rejoice, to give praise and thanks, and to be in constant reminder – not only within this decade but in more decades to come.

Just Eat It, Please!

Whoever is stuck in any of these lifestyles – “live to eat or eat to live” – it’s not worth arguing – it’s somebody’s business. My flesh and spirit are telling me to set aside those meticulous behaviors or unnecessary nosiness for it only triggers judgment.

Let it be a plain comment then or a gentle persuasion rather than a provoking remark driven by one’s aggressive opinion. I don’t have any cruel intentions after all – just want to make my spoken statement into words about my life as an outsider.

So grateful for those countless excursions in the past, the many cultural exposures, and this seemingly endless immersion to go into detail among insiders – not a resident yet, for they have been wonderful experiences of growing and learning.

Exactly thirteen years to reckon – both the joy and struggle in the hands of different hosts – to stand alongside with what insiders think cool – now my chance to put them in one frame but memoirs of dos and don’ts in eating local food. And with constant reminder (got lost track the number of times though), I had to remind myself again and again and again about this existing standard operating procedure (S.O.P.) – just eat it, please!

When I started living a lifestyle not my own, putting off a comfort zone was one of those non-negotiable sacrifices. But then someone and a situation had to remind me of that or else had a tendency of misbehaving. It was always a hygiene issue rather than being picky – I eat anything. 

It only went for a very short while, the rest of these years I’m so adjusted with eating scenario. Many times they’ve got me feeling that I’m not really different from them – any exotic food or those funny ones  they just don’t upset me.

“Your stomach is made in Japan.” An insider joked. It was his way of saying that I have a strong stomach. For me, it’s a gift to understand God’s grace deeper because every meal doesn’t always please our eyes or our tongues. But we must eat it as much as importantly possible.

Thanks to mentors and to adaptable outsiders for living up as examples and for unraveling your secrets in this area – you all deserve a commendation for this golden lesson.

A decade and three years is already a long way to learn and relearn this stuff, an epoch – now it’s time to speak out my mind. I’m going to reverse the scenario and address insiders some valuable lessons. Let say, have them step into my shoes, and have themselves reminded as well of this simple S.O.P. – just eat it, please!

Tried to be in the cool side all this time, but when offering insiders some food that I cooked myself occasionally, they won’t even touch it. They still preferred their own cuisines. It’s just so ironic from reality – you eat theirs and they don’t eat yours.

Internet has a lot to offer about getting informed culturally or more than that regarding eating local food, but seldom about having insiders consider the possibility likewise. It’s always the insider has to learn about adjustment, flexibility, adaptability, blah, blah, blah. This is just a lame information or way of educating people. Duality plays a safer side.

I’m not really sold out with this idea, and so had to teach my kids at the center to start exploring things outside their comfort zones.

There is no harm in trying – that’s one good reason. It’s not like they die or get sick for eating pizza or spaghetti or hamburger or… Just eat it, please, and you’ll know how it tastes like. It isn’t my intention to have them eat these food everyday either – trying is different from indulging. I respect a healthy lifestyle, and it’s always a choice.

Besides, life doesn’t evolve in one particular place or in one specific culture or in known comfort zone or in one familiar home or in common way of life – at times it varies – take it or leave it. Like outsiders in countless dilemmas, these kids will soon see themselves in the same boat – the question is how willing they are to step in – tell themselves…just eat it, please. 

So who needs this cultural orientation aside from outsiders? Shouldn’t authors who are writing books about this particular concern orient insiders as well? 

“Just eat it, please!”  I think this applies to both outsiders and insiders – if one is willing.