Fourties

They say life begins at forty, but I see the opposite way–for now–a very strange manifestation from time to time for the past few years. Stuck in a lesser opportunity–that is one. It seems that my life in the fast lane has all gone. It suddenly slowed down and still leaving me with an awful feeling of dread in the pit of the stomach until this hour. I pray that this is only part of growing older and wiser. I am over forty in this world.

No More Expectation

Yes, I won’t expect anything from anyone ever.  This will be my life-long slogan from this moment on. Hurts, frustrations, disappointments, and distresses will eat me up when I hold on to people’s word too much. And so I am putting this memo into words specifically addressed to me–no one else but to myself alone. I deserve sanity.  

Drained

There were times when my mind was emptier than a banker’s heart–so wordless. I couldn’t think of any reason about my existence–not even a word–it only drew a blank stare. Like this time–again. My mind is so drained that it affects my emotion so bad. It stings my soul devastatingly painful. I wonder if this just the effect from severe heat these days. I hope so! 

Patience

This eight-letter word is my greatest enemy in life because I wrestled with it a lot of times like a defeated warrior--worn out. I have been in this world for over four decades, but I have not completely fathomed its meaning and what it is to be a patient man like--I could have learned it by now--but my spirit keeps resisting.

   

Generosity

A generous person always shows kindness anytime--in broad daylight or in the darkest hour; anywhere--in the crowd or when no one's watching; to anyone--even if the recipient is the richest man on earth or the most selfish creature in the planet or the poorest one in the entire world. His generosity has no limit--it is his very breath in the morning till the break of day.

   

Buts

I find it impossible to forgive without hording buts in the process--the human conditions we both face as a consequence. They are not mere "buts" because from there we can learn something: understand the situation wisely but we have to grow; resilience but we have to move on and leave the past behind, acceptance because no one is perfect but not tolerating wrong deeds, and more. We forgive at the same time we leave marks of buts because trust is earned, carefulness matters, and second chances must be valued with sincerity. 

Dye Hair Challenge

Shame. Regret. Folly. Eccentric. None of these words could make me feel anxious what might people say or think about me. Don't we take funny or odd challenges at times (the ice bucket challenge, for instance)? And so this is mine--the hair dye challenge which I have been embracing for almost ten years--now my once-a-year tradition in this country where I am half stranger and half family. My kids dyed my hair--in three colors this time, usually a week before Khmer New Year. Let me cut to the chase then, no naked eye can really grasp an utmost intention by looking at the image alone. It takes a storytelling--whether or not is is a beautiful one. 

A Family's Tradition

Behind me from where I stood taking a photo of the scenery was another story--a different picture to paint or to tell--a tradition that one particular group of people has been keeping for over a century. This annual observance which the locals called "Sen Daun Ta" is specifically to remember the ancestors and elders who have gone before them by offering prayers and food. In fact this is known throughout the country but not every family is a believer--only those from Chinese descendants. They usually celebrate this before the Khmer New Year. Since I am considered part of the family, I always see my self among this crowd every single year nearly a decade. I think so. Anyway, a tradition usually shapes people, but I see it in an odd way because I am strongly convinced that man should be above culture. Just saying.